If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year