@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
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@HousewifeOfHell: Fluffy towels that don't absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil's handiwork.
@yaboydil: Guess who I ran into today, Billy. "Who, dad?" Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
@pplwtching: *uses Sharpie to write, "do not drop" on your newborn's forehead before handing it back.
@kyry5: The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.