Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978