‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
translated into Canadian
Breaking news:
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.