Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right