I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Goodnight 🐶
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Time for evil
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’