I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
birds and squirrels envy us
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.