Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.