@J0hnnyBlaze: Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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@McAttack88: Is it wrong to follow people just because they're hot? Also, what about on Twitter?
@BrainFumbles: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-" I choose dare, your honor "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're good at jumping to conclusions?" Me: "When can I start?"