Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
What the hell is going on?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]