Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.