Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
A drum solo but on your face.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A double negative is a big no-no.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work