@robfee: Home Alone would've been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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@NicestHippo: "Can you explain this Gap in your work history?" Yes that's when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye.
@liv_thatsme: Leading causes of death among men: 1. Heart attacks 2. Strokes 3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day