Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.