[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The Friday File.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere