Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.