Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.