[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*