[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?