[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.