@usermcuserface: Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.

@skickwriter: Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco. -Kids

@Ristolable: [At supermarket] "Excuse me do you work here?" WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don't have a job

@Phook75: Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I'm having the hardest time deciding what to wear

@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”