@sixfootcandy: My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax. I guess she doesn't remember me.

@alisonforns: "We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies." - Top Secret NSA Memo

@notthattom: i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy... "who's blocking the exit?? WHO? who's blockin' the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!"

@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."

@Home_Halfway: Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.