[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…