[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
the council will decide your fate
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”