[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”