[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.