[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
We decided to have money instead of children.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.