[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat