[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.