[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.