Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
selfie game
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”