Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Ironic
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.