Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.