Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish