@TheTweetOfGod: Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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@trevso_electric: The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
@ericarhodes: "What's it like being a female comic?" "Well, you get asked what it's like being a female comic a lot."
@stephenjmolloy: [Spelling bee] Judge: "Your word is unhelpful." Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence please?" Judge: "Nope."
@rockymomax: [in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa