Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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i smell a pulitzer
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx