Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
getting old is fun
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive