[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You Might Also Like
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*