[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Salad is the decaf of food.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?