[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Thinking about Jeff
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Practicing safe sax
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.