[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap