[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
where’s Godzilla when we need him