haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
reduce, reuse, recycle
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.