Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I like crazy people until they notice me
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
the last thing a carrot sees
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.