Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
For cardio I live beyond my means.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*