@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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@Bobinhiding: Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
@therealeatwood: Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese Day 3: 15 blocks Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012