@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
@curlycomedy: The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
@hashtag_stacks: If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like 'why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?'