@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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@NoticablyBacon: *Meeting GF parents* What are your intentions with our daughter? Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
@YourAnonNews: 1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your "Real World Money"?
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
@LeBearGirdle: "Hey mom can Kyle come over?" mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people's- [From outside] LOOFAS!