Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”