Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.