@novicefather: "Homie don't fleek doe," I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
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@Brianhopecomedy: 5 year old: "That's a big truck!" "It's a moving truck." "ALL TRUCKS MOVE." Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
@Underchilde: I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.
@EJGomez: [introducing you to my family] "this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"