Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.