Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes