@slimmy_shady: Honest ads - 'Hot singles in your area want to be just friends'. 'Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother'.
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@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@RobotSkeleton69: It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...
@edanto_: Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"