@_youhadonejob: Honest advertising.
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@AtticusFinch79: I don't mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he's hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
@mexinonblonde: "Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!" -Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
@LovestruckLayla: So I have one coworker who uses "irregardless" and another who uses "unappropriate" and now I'm over trying to conversate with these people.
@VerifiedDrunk: Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .