my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Confused owl: What?!