Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Sooo many times…..
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I have obtained a hat
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.