It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
bro what is going on at twitter
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”