Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.